A Good Night’s Sleep

"Sleep is that golden chain that holds health and our bodies together." -Thomas Dekker

For the past couple years, my husband and I have been sleeping in my mother's old pencil post bed.

Every night, I'd tiptoe into the bedroom, and thrill all over again at the bed's beautifully geometric canopy. I'd run my hand down one of the elegantly tapered posts, and take in the dreamy lines of the headboard. As I pulled back the covers, I'd reminisce about the many nights I slept in this bed at my mom's house, feeling again the curious sensation of comfort and security that one feels when sleeping under their mother's roof.

Then I'd lie down on the mattress and begin another night of hell.

For starters, the mattress was small. A Full XL, to be technical, which was plenty big enough for my mom alone. But pile in two full-sized humans and a lovely large dog who prefers to sleep spread eagle across the entire lower half of the bed, and we are talking very small indeed. And as the last one in, I regularly found myself squeezed onto a remarkably narrow strip of real estate at the edge of the bed, yanking a few inches of the covers out from under the dog to wrap around my teetering self, and hanging on for dear life.

Now, let's address the quality of the mattress. Umm, three hundred bucks on Amazon. Ya feel me?

By the time Christmas 2022 rolled around, my husband and I were both fed up with our nefarious nighttime accommodations. Our sleep quality was miserable and the daily low back pain was pure torture. My husband, who normally avoids major purchases like the actual old time-y plague, demanded that we buy something new.

Which we did.

"Mom, I'm still sleepy. Gimme five more minutes."

Yes, we are now the proud owners of an unabashedly boughie Beautyrest king-size mattress. 

Lying down on this hybrid dream of coiled springs wrapped in memory foam is indeed the stuff of fairy tales, and although it cost approximately half of what I spent on my first car, it has been worth every penny.

But the best part of this bed is what is hiding underneath.

The Mattress Firm Power Base 600.

"I love it when you make me into the bed. Dad's pillows are super cozy."

Now let me set the record straight. 

Whenever I've heard people gush about their adjustable mattresses - let alone ones that vibrate, which my mind associates only with sleazy Magic Fingers-type beds in pay-by-the-hour motel rooms - I've been completely turned off. No need for that level of pandering for me, no sirree, I'm far too much of a sturdy, no-frills lady for a wiggly bed, for heaven's sake.

But as the salesman invited us to lie down on a sample bed, and then raised the foot of the bed five inches, I felt a miraculous shift. My knees and hips slipped into alignment with one another, and the pain in my lower back instantly disappeared. Whatttt.

"Alright, I'm getting a little sweaty. How do you people stay under these covers all night long?"

He then brought up the head of the bed by oh, maybe eight to ten inches, just enough to shift my center of gravity from my shoulders to my lower torso. In a snap, my still-aching rotator cuff suddenly felt pain-free, and I felt as if I were floating above the weight of my body. Magical.

With the subtle flip of his thumb, the salesman then activated the vibration feature, and I all but moaned out loud. As he cycled through a long list of the acclaimed (if medically unproven) healing benefits of vibration - improved circulation, reduced joint and back pain, reduced stress, boosted metabolism - I simply sighed as I felt my entire body relax, and knew without a doubt that I needed this crazy beast of a bed in my life. 

"Wait, can we do the vibrating thing one more time before we go downstairs?"

We've had our new bed for about six weeks now, and it's everything I hoped it would be. Each night, as I climb into my cozy nest and begin the fifteen minute vibration cycle that literally rocks me to sleep, I appreciate her anew. 

Sure, I miss my mom's old pencil post bed.

But what I'll never miss are the nights spent huddled on the edge of our old broken down mattress.

Now my dog, my husband, and I all have room to sleep spread eagle on our great big bed, and we are getting the best sleep of our lives. 

* * * * *

To my surprise, Gracie has adapted readily to both the raised head and foot profile of the new bed, and the thrumming sounds and soothing bumps of the vibration cycle. She still spends most of the night sleeping on the floor or in her arm chair, but she seems to thoroughly enjoy the big spread of the new bed. 

And as always, every morning she opts to lounge on the bed as I attempt to make it, which results in either me giving up and leaving the bed half unmade around her, or me pulling up the covers over the top of her, as I did on this particular day. Either way, Gracie wins.