At Peace

"Life is a great sunrise. I do not see why death should not be an even greater one." 

-Vladimir Nabokov

My sweet friend, Grace, died last month.

It hurts me to say this, but it must be said. She took her own life.

Grace was a beautiful, powerful soul: 

Deeply compassionate.

Wise far beyond her 26 years.

Tender-hearted and kind. 

Passionate about sunsets, cookies, giggling with her girlfriends, loving her God.

Those of us who knew and loved her imagined that Grace had everything to live for. And so today at her memorial, the question that hung suspended in the air, misty and vaporous, swirling droplets of wondering that floated between and amongst us, her mourners, was, Why.

Why was she in so much pain?

Why didn't we see her anguish?

Why wasn't her faith, so strong and pure, enough to save her?

Why didn't she ask for help?

Why didn't she tell us that something was horribly, horribly wrong?

And while I won't pretend to know the particulars of Grace's situation, I think that deep in our hearts, we know the answer to our Whys:

Because sometimes, this life is just too much.

Sometimes people simply can't bear it up any more. 

Not because they are weak. No, no. 

Maybe because they are sensitive to life's challenges in ways that the rest of us are not. 

Maybe because their hearts are more fragile, more vulnerable, more prone to exhaustion.. 

Maybe because God is calling them home. 

What I know for sure, as I endure yet another suicide of a person I love, is that I won't torture myself with the Whys. 

What I know for sure is that sweet Grace is safe in God's loving arms.

I know that whatever her earthly struggles, she is finally at peace.

And so, then, am I.

* * * * * 

Grace was a poet. And this is one of her poems. It speaks to her beautiful, powerful soul and gives me peace.

* * * * * 

A Prayer for This Small Vapor (that is my life).

May I be transparent so that Light may shine through.

May I choose vulnerability even in the face of fear or humiliation,

To give courage and a voice to others.

To embrace my humanity and find it in others continually.

To be fully present and engaged, especially when I feel like running away.

To be consistently emptied in order to be a vessel

of goodness and truth and hope.

To always be a vine of my Belonging, to abide.

To live from abundance and my created order that is Enough.

To live in urgency of necessity, never frivolity*, manifested by an ever-present awareness

of this small and temporary state.

-

*My definition of frivolity: Worldly matters such as work, busyness and/or hurry, and money matters; people-pleasing; irrelevancy of my true purpose and belonging; illogical or impossible standards; perfectionism. In essence, things that don't matter.