Bulletproof

For the past, oh, decade or so, of life at my house, daily dinnertime conversations during the months between May and September sound like this:

Me: Is it supposed to rain tonight?

Husband gets out his phone to check.

Me: What about tomorrow? Is it supposed to rain during the day?

Husband sighs and keeps checking.

He sighs because he knows what will happen next. 

If the answer is yes, or even maybe, then I immediately default into patio cushion protection mode. And my husband knows what that means. As soon as he rests his fork, I'll be chasing him around the yard to help me gather up the various cushions, pillows, and throws decoratively draped around our outdoor furniture and stash them in the garage, delicately balanced in a towering heap, until the rain has gone away and it's safe for them to come back outside. 

Now let me be clear. The rain itself is not really the problem. My patio textiles can stand up to water, no problem. Sure, they'll get wet but in time, they will dry and life will go on.

However, damp fabrics create a whole new set of problems.

• Little bits of grit and grime carried in the wind settle onto the wet fibers and, once dried, hold on for dear life.  

• Prolonged damp leads to moldy, mildewy muck, even on the best water-resistant fabrics. 

• Worst of all, horror of horrors, soggy cushions and pillows invite creepy crawly critters to burrow into their moist nooks and crannies, and settle in.

Trust me, there's nothing to kill a post-rainy day mood like flipping over an almost-dry patio pillow to find a half dozen slugs lazily napping underneath.

So over the past few summers, as a few of my older chairs have fallen into disrepair and I consider my options for buying something new, I've made a bold decision.

No more outdoor fabrics.

I know. So sad. Photos of gorgeously styled outdoor spaces layered with textiles galore dazzle me, and I feel my commitment to this draconian law weaken. But look, the people with these opulent outdoor spaces all live in LA or the Mojave Desert, and while I'm sure they have their own problems, soggy patio furniture is not one of them. They are playing by a different set of rules, and my Pacific Northwest slugs and I cannot compete.

My new rule, I sternly remind myself, is waterproof furniture only.

And so it was a happy surprise that during one of my recent midnight deep dives into weather-resistant outdoor furniture options, I stumbled across these Acapulco knockoffs. 

Stylishly on trend.

Comfortable and cool.

Completely waterproof.

And best of all, no place for the slugs to hide. 

These babies are bulletproof.

This afternoon, a cloudless blue sky began to cloud up a bit. By dinnertime, the temperature was dropping like a stone, and a row of heavy clouds rolled in on the western horizon.

But as we ate our dinner, I felt no need to inquire about the weather forecast.

I know it's going to rain soon.

And when it does, I am one hundred percent certain that my new bulletproof chairs are going to be just fine.