Mothers and Daughters

Deep down inside, I think that every woman dreams of having a daughter. Yes, sons are wonderful in their own countless ways, and there are precious bonds and sweet memories to be made with children of either gender.


But still, there's something about daughters that makes most women yearn. Sweet pink baby dresses, teddy bear tea parties, and playing dress-up in mommy's clothes give way to hosting girlie sleepovers, whispering about cute boys, and debating which shoes look best with that outfit. Raising daughters gives us a chance to either relive the favorite parts of our own childhood years, or create the world we wanted for ourselves but didn't get to experience.





More than any of those things, though, I think what mothers want most is to be close to their daughters. As our daughters grow, we want to be able to talk to them about the things that matter in life. Specifically, we want them to confide the secrets of their hearts to us; their hopes and dreams, their heartaches and challenges. We want them to listen to what we have to say; we have experience and guidance and wishes for their lives, and we want them to give us a chance to influence them for the greatest good. We want them to love us as much as we love them.





As an experienced mom of four girls, I've learned something else, too. It's incredibly difficult for a mother to build that kind of deep and trusting relationship with her daughter. Some girls are naturally quiet and withdrawn about their inner selves, and we moms feel shut out. But if you've ever tried to pry a few details out of one of these types, you'll know how resistant or suddenly combative they may become. Other girls may more than happy to reveal their emotions, but can be hypersensitive to how we respond. One minute, they're sharing a painful story from their day, to which we think we are being properly attentive and sympathetic. But one wrong word, gesture, or twitch of the eyebrow from mom, and suddenly the tables turn, and all their frustration, hurt and anger is directed at us. Trying to build a close relationship with a daughter is challenging, to say the least.


My relationships with my mostly grown daughters are no different. Over the years, we have been up, down and all over the place together. And while our relationships aren't perfect, we are close.

My best advice to moms with daughters is to live into the dreams you have for your relationship: 

If you want them to come to your with their problems, give them your full attention and your listening ears when they want to talk.

If you want them to listen to your advice, listen non-judgmentally and gently guide them so they can find the right answers within themselves. 

If you want them to spend time with you, always make time for them.

If you want them to live according to your principles or moral values, make sure they can see how you live by the same principles in your own life. 

If you want them to love you, make sure they know that you love them, even (especially!!) when they are going through a less-than-perfectly-lovable moment.

And don't be afraid of the head-bumping intensity that comes between daughters and mommies during the growing up years. Every daughter has to find her own place in the world, and to a certain extent, she must push her mother away to see herself more clearly. Mothers who handle this difficult work of identity formation with grace and understanding are the best gift a daughter could ever receive.